untamed #4 - inner child edition

{these are a series of posts i started writing mid-pandemic while reading “untamed” by glennon doyle and learning that she used to lock herself in a closet every morning before her kids got up to write and write and write and then she’d just post them without looking back}

i've been having a hard time being a parent to a 3-year-old. if i'm being honest, the first 3 years felt so easy. suspiciously so. there were a lot of stressors and we climbed a ton of metaphorical mountains, but parenting a baby just came naturally to me. i played a ton of sims as a kid and having a baby felt a lot like filling my sims' need meters. it was repetitive and sort of boring at times and difficult to manage at others, but the routine was pretty much the same and the individual tasks (feeding, diapers, snuggling, playing) felt manageable and simple.

toddlers are more complicated. things have gotten harder, but i thought i was up for the challenge. then came preschoolhood and it has knocked me on my ass. my sweet, sensitive baby is suddenly a "threenager" fighting me at every step of our day, full of big, huge gigantic feelings and no impulse control. he also has a significant speech delay, so while most of his peers are talking their heads off in complete sentences, mine often communicates with me by saying, "mom! eh! eh ah eh! ah! eee! non?" leaving me to translate. i've been plagued with guilt that i'm always finding myself so activated and frustrated when my kid is just being 3. he's doing great and i'm the problem. that much i already know. outwardly, i react calmly and go through the motions of working through it, but inwardly i am a triggered mess. it's harder and harder to maintain my cool, no matter how much i tell myself this is all so normal. it feels like i'm having a harder time than other parents i know, after 3 years of feeling confident.

this morning we had a very routine tantrum. he threw himself on the ground, yelling at me in word fragments i can't understand but the message was coming through loud and clear that he was angry. if i were to ask him what he needs or how i can help, his frustration tends to increase. he doesn't have the tools to articulate that verbally yet. he has pictures and apps and aids to help him show us what he needs, but when he's upset those seem to be the last thing he wants. so i always ask if he needs a hug, instead. and almost every single time, no matter the cause for the upset, he will take me up on my offer and run directly in my arms. within moments, the storm has passed and we can do the work together to figure out what happened and how to solve it. we do this ten or more times a day. today was no different, but as he accepted my offer for a hug i was suddenly struck by how much i could relate.

he has big, big feelings. so do i. when he's upset, he shuts down. so do i. no matter who reaches out to me when i'm struggling, i can rarely find the ability to articulate what i could possibly need. verbally it's actually particularly difficult for me, just like it is for my son. i offer him hugs when he's sad obviously because i love him to bits and want to help end his suffering, but also because there are times where i can't find the words to explain i need help, but if i can manage to go in for a hug with someone so much feels immediately better.

here i thought i've been struggling to see eye-to-eye with my preschooler, but it turns out my inner child might just be competing against him for my attention. i am teaching him how to get his feelings and emotions out while simultaneously forcing myself to stay full to bursting with my own. he screams in my face and busts through my boundaries, but i will always love him unconditionally. i rarely offer myself that much compassion or empathy. i wasn't taught how to do any of this as a child but here i am trying to teach my own. i'm really scared of fucking this up. i'm having trouble handling his feelings because i've mostly been avoiding my own. i'm not frustrated with him, which is why i can't find a solution. i'm looking outside instead of in. i'm really just frustrated with myself.